The Purpose-Driven Blog

I feel like this blog needs some direction so that maybe I'll update it more often than every 6 months. Luke and I lead pretty normal lives, so there's not usually anything exceptional to write about. So I'm thinking I should use this as a tourism guide/bucket list/place to brag about my dogs & husband. So let's start with our adventure from Sunday: Luke's first trip to Cabela's.

Cabela's holds fond memories for me. It was somewhat of a tradition growing up, that when we would spend a week in the summer with my Aunt Peg and Uncle Gary, we would hit Cabela's in Nebraska on the way back home to Kansas. It was neat as a kid to see the big mountain of stuffed game, and the fishing lures aisles were like a wonderland of possibilities for treasures to add to our tackle boxes.

A couple years ago, they finally built a Cabela's in Utah, but it's clear down in Lehi. In reality, it's about a 20 minute drive from us. We've never had a reason to go, and they are a bit expensive, so I try to buy things online in the outdoor department. But this coming weekend we're headed to Yellowstone. We need a couple of things before our adventure, so what better way to spend a Sunday than browsing the many departments of the world's largest outdoor store?

We were both pretty hungover from the previous night's escapades at Piper Down (which deserves its own blog post) so first thing on the list was lunch to settle our stomachs. They have a fun little cafe that serves all kinds of game. Luke got the Bison Burger, I got an Elk Burger. I have to say, elk tastes kind of like mystery meat, and I think I prefer cow. But the fries were good. We sat and watched all the many screaming children being fed fries by their frazzled parents and stared at the top of the fake mountain.

We were only going in for some binoculars, a camp lantern, and possibly bear spray. But a trip to Cabela's is not an in-and-out adventure. We walked through the game hall, looked at the archery equipment. Had to quickly walk through the gun cases because there were so many people crowding the counter. If you didn't know that Utahns love their guns, just visit this store on a weekend. You even have to take a number to get served.

One thing that greatly disappointed me was the aquarium. It's neat to see all the native fish and such, but these guys were really not being well cared for. More fish than not looked like they had cancerous lesions and tumors, some so bad they couldn't close their mouths. Somehow I doubt that that many fish in the wild are ill, so I am not thrilled with the store and how they are caring for these animals.

All in all, we spent a couple hours browsing, bought a rechargeable lantern and a really nice pair of Nikon binocs, and headed back home for nap time. Because there's nothing more you want to do when you've had too much to drink the night before. I'm so excited to go back to the place I love most this weekend. And now Luke will be able to spot animals at a distance. I always feel bad because while I have my camera to look through, he's never had a nice pair of long range binoculars. Hopefully we see some great wildlife and aren't driven crazy by the crowds or freeze to death in our tents. It's been snowing for the last week there. :)

Is there something in the water?

Just about everyone I know is pregnant right now. No, seriously. Every day I open Facebook to find yet another fetal photo with the announcement. And while I'm so happy for my friends, I get bummed out. I wish it was us.

This is why I don't update my blog very much. I want to use it as a diary of sorts, and I really shouldn't put some of the stuff that's going on in my head out there. Which is really hard for me. I'm having a hard time trying to decide if the urge to have a lil' St. Clair is nature, being surrounded by prego friends, or actually the desire to have a baby and all that entails. Unfortunately, there are bigger problems than figuring that out. First, we have to figure out if we're actually ever going to have a baby. The problem is we don't agree. And I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

You don't exactly think that when you're walking down that aisle with the love of your life that one day he might change his mind about having a family. So now what? I never wanted to have to make this decision. It's supposed to be happily ever after. I feel like either way, I'm breaking a promise: to love my husband and stay with him forever, or deny myself what I truly want out of life. It's an impossible choice that I've actually been struggling with for the last three years. It actually caused our separation in 2010.

The worst part is, I can hear the truth in my heart, but I am choosing to ignore it. Is that such a bad thing? Life as a pair is pretty good. Why bring a third into it? I can't even keep my house clean, get dinner done every night, or get myself healthy. How in the world do I think I'm ready for keeping a kid alive? Or giving up my free time and sleep to this bundle?

I really wish there was an easy answer. I wish he'd change his mind again. Not now, I'm not completely ready now, but soon. I wish I could be happy with the life I have and chose. And I am. I just don't want to be boxed into something so absolute as "you'll likely never be a mom." I could really use some advice, though I know like two people read this. Even my therapist isn't really of any help, saying I've got a difficult decision to make. DUH!