Is there something in the water?

Just about everyone I know is pregnant right now. No, seriously. Every day I open Facebook to find yet another fetal photo with the announcement. And while I'm so happy for my friends, I get bummed out. I wish it was us.

This is why I don't update my blog very much. I want to use it as a diary of sorts, and I really shouldn't put some of the stuff that's going on in my head out there. Which is really hard for me. I'm having a hard time trying to decide if the urge to have a lil' St. Clair is nature, being surrounded by prego friends, or actually the desire to have a baby and all that entails. Unfortunately, there are bigger problems than figuring that out. First, we have to figure out if we're actually ever going to have a baby. The problem is we don't agree. And I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

You don't exactly think that when you're walking down that aisle with the love of your life that one day he might change his mind about having a family. So now what? I never wanted to have to make this decision. It's supposed to be happily ever after. I feel like either way, I'm breaking a promise: to love my husband and stay with him forever, or deny myself what I truly want out of life. It's an impossible choice that I've actually been struggling with for the last three years. It actually caused our separation in 2010.

The worst part is, I can hear the truth in my heart, but I am choosing to ignore it. Is that such a bad thing? Life as a pair is pretty good. Why bring a third into it? I can't even keep my house clean, get dinner done every night, or get myself healthy. How in the world do I think I'm ready for keeping a kid alive? Or giving up my free time and sleep to this bundle?

I really wish there was an easy answer. I wish he'd change his mind again. Not now, I'm not completely ready now, but soon. I wish I could be happy with the life I have and chose. And I am. I just don't want to be boxed into something so absolute as "you'll likely never be a mom." I could really use some advice, though I know like two people read this. Even my therapist isn't really of any help, saying I've got a difficult decision to make. DUH!